A desperate cry to the masses: Save the boobies!

Tonight I was at a party where this milf-y lookin' woman had ruined her figure with a bad boob job. I can understand that there are many reasons why a woman would want a larger chest. Mastectomy, self-esteem, vanity...

But like mayonnaise or Maroon 5, you can have TOO much.

As an avid watcher of porn, I like my women at around 36C or D. Does that mean I'll vomit at 40DD's or run from 32C's - no way! Just 38WWW's don't do it for me.

Sir Mix-a-lot said it best, "silicone parts were made for toys". He's right! And boobs are the most fun I can (and often do) think of! But fake boobs shouldn't look fake or else they've turned from sexy into a fetish.

Other fetishes that are fun to look at, but NOT sexy.

1.) Cake (also peanut butter or meatloaf) Farts

2.) Shit Eating

3.) Adult "babies"

4.) Aputee porn

5.) Granny porn (NOT milf porn)

6.) Midgets

7.) Snuff films

8.) Tentacle/Alien fucking

9.) Inserting bottles, lit candles, bowling pins, etc. into a cavity.

10.) Vomit porn.

Some may argue that 9 can be sexy... but I fail to see it, so sorry it's on the list. In any case, fetishes can be fun but they're not for everyone and the same can be said about enormous fake looking beach ball breasts. They're not for everyone, which effectively takes 2 more mammaries off the market.

So ladies, before you go and ruin your chest with a size that doesn't work with your body type or makes you look like you escaped from a circus sponsored by Hustler, rethink that boob job. Go for something understated and simple. Something that accentuates your figure and gives you a naturally fuckable look.

Then send me the photos when your nipples heal - cause I LOVE looking at boobs.

Random Q.

I just filled out my extended profile and saw you could have blogger throw a random question at you for a more interesting read.

Of course, I wrote a paragraph when all they wanted was a 4 word answer. Since I cranked it out over the course of "Poison" by Alice Cooper and it will never see the light of day as far as blogger is concerned, I figured I'd put it here:

Q. If you were a wrestler, what would your finishing move be?

A. Well, for starters, my wrestling name would be "The Pussy". My spandex would cleverly be pink on the outside of the legs, red on the inside, and a black triangle on my ass. It would resemble the vagina Piccaso lost his virginity to. My finshing move would be called "The Muff Diver" where I'd climb up the turnbuckle and dive at my opponent, twisting and contorting my body in mid air to knock him down and pin him in a 69 position.

Yeah, it's a crowdpleaser.

Makin' Whoopie.

I was in my car last night listening to the Blues station when a song came up and refered to "making whoopie". I'm just curious if anyone uses that term anymore... if they ever really did. If it was in fact used, can you imagine how awkward it was?

Now, I'm not so sure anyone can or would want to imagine their parents having sex, but imagine the two of them bringing it up to one another:

Your Mom: Dear, I'm in the mood.
Your Dad: I want you to ride me like Harley Davidson!

Awkward to think about right? Imagine how awkward it would be (as yourself) suggesting that you "make whoopie"- with anyone! No matter who it's with, adding making whoopie can make the situation more awkward than imagining your parents knockin' the Nikes:

You: Hey. I noticed you were looking at me before. I find you really attractive and would love to sweep you away to my mansion in malibu. You don't mind riding in a convertable, do you? My Farrari tends to go fast and the wind may mess your hair up. When we get to my place, we could maybe have a nightcap and make whoopie under the stars...

Carmen Electra: Let's go.

See that? Just weird. Let's reverse it for the ladies.

Brad Pitt: Want to make whoopie?

You: What about Angelina?

Brad Pitt: She also likes whoopie with women.

You: Yes, please!

What a mood killer! Even the sexiest 3 way in the history of all humankind comes off jokey when you include "making whoopie" in the proposition. It could be regional. Whoopie strikes me as kind of a Southern thing.

Brittney Spears: Let's make whoopie, y'all!

Y'all: NO!

Can't take it seriously unless you're K Fed, who actually does strike me as the type of guy that might use "makin' whoopie" as a pickup line.

K Fed: Seeing as how I paid for them chicken fingers you ate, I think we should make whoopie in the back of the Escalade Britney bought me.

Hooker: OK!

I'm pretty sure any other term for sex would be more acceptable in any given circumstance than "making whoopee". Even if you make it up.

You: Honey, do you think after the movie we could go home and "churn the butter"?

Your Partner: Churn the butter?

You: You know... "fluff the pillows"?

Your Partner: You mean "make whoopie"?

Totally unacceptable.

Even Whoopie Goldberg's parents didn't "make whoopie" when they conceived her since her real name is Karen. Practical joke companies may make whoopie cushions but they're not mattresses. Even joke companies know not to name a product something funnier than the actual product. There's just no proper application for the term "makin' whoopie".

Unless it's in a Blues song. Because as far as I know, that's the only use it ever gets.

(Oops, sorry K Fed... forgot about you again)